Clubbing Tactics: 5 tips to help you survive the night

Clubbing Tactics: 5 tips to help you survive the night

From the ancient Romans to the modern day Britains, going out and getting hammered has been a cornerstone of celebrations that has withstood the test of time. However, like many great adventures its kindness is often matched by its cruelty. On one hand it’s a chance to bring people together and develop fond memories that you’ll be able to share for years to come. On the other, you may find waking up in a train station the next morning with no phone, money, or clue as to why there’s a bearded, homeless man cuddling up to you to be a rather disorientating experience.

However, the savvy student is prepared for the best and the worst the night has to offer, so here are a couple of tips you can use to get the better of your experience. Just as long as you make it out that is….

"Bro, you said you ordered the taxi an hour ago"

“Bro, you said you ordered the taxi an hour ago”

1. Bag it, and tag it.

You’ve all been out on a cold, windy night and now you wish you’d brought that warm fuzzy coat with you to keep you warm. Yet no one wants to be sweating buckets in the club, and certainly you don’t want to be that guy in the bright, puffer jacket in the R&B room (at least I hope not). Similarly, girls who are fond of their heels often dread the painful walk home on aching feet. Wouldn’t it be great to just pull out a pair of flats and walk home in comfort? Nevertheless, people often can’t afford to pay for the cloak room for every added commodity each time they go out.

Solution

When you go out with your friends, have one person (preferably the more sober one) take a rucksack that can hold all your jackets and spare shoes. You’ll be able to save money on the cloak room at a fraction of the price, and the added comfort on the way home will make your night. Even if anyone wants to leave early, they can just get the bag out, get their things, and then put the bag back in the deposit. No matter what you’ll still be saving money and loving life.

Smuggling kittens in has also been briefly discussed. Very briefly. Please don’t do this.

Smuggling kittens in has also been briefly discussed. Very briefly. Please don’t do this.

 

2. Water water everywhere, and all for you to drink

Alcohol is the double edged sword of any night out. Its at times the key to unlocking the enjoyment of your night, yet equally it can be what entices you into having an emotional breakdown on your ex’s voicemail at 4am. Not to mention waking up the next day with an empty bank account and a disgusting hangover.

Solution

First off, no one’s suggesting you take a vow of purity and go join the nearest monastery. That being said there are a few things that you can do to take the edge off of the booze that seems to hate you so. One tactic is to do all your drinking before you get to the club. It’s far cheaper this way and you can spend the rest of the night drinking water so that by the time you arrive at home it’s all out of your system. If you don’t feel like you can do this (everyone’s tolerance and metabolisms are different), simply having a drink of water between rounds will help you maintain a degree of clarity and stop you getting dehydrated – one of predominant causes of a hangover. And if all else fails, drink a tall glass of water before you go to bed. The bigger the better.

“Challenge accepted!”

“Challenge accepted!”

3. Feeling fresh

So you’ve finally managed to pull that special someone you’ve been eyeing up at the bar all night. Maybe it’s that hot second year you’ve admired all last year, or that guy who works in the uni store with the great arms. Maybe it’s that teaching assistant you’ve had a mad crush on this semester. Either way, you’re in a predicament because you’re starving to death and the only eateries on the way home is a greasy takeout that will most definitely ruin your breath. Do you risk getting those delicious onion rings you love if it means losing your hot friend?

Solution

Take a small pack of mints with you, either in your pocket or your bag. It’s a lifesaver when you’re getting food, or if you happen to lose your lunch half way through the night. In addition to freshening your breath, it works as a conversation starter. Who doesn’t like free mints? Just be sure to offer them whilst they’re still in the pack. Not many people take kindly to being offered free white pills from strangers – even if they are spearmint flavoured.

4. A Game of Phones

Who doesn’t love love smart phones. They’re a wonder of modern technology in the palm of your hand. You can check Facebook, take photos, send emails, play games, order takeout, and even do your weekly food shop. On top of that it can still call and text in about a million different ways. Honestly, you’d wonder sometimes what you would do without you- oh dear. You’ve just slipped on a spilt drink and your phone has now smashed into a million pieces. That’s about £300 gone in the blink of any eye. I hope it didn’t have any sentimental value.

Solution

Let’s face it, insurance is expensive and phone cases don’t always protect your phone from general, drunken clumsiness. Easy way to solve this? Buy a cheap and cheerful brick phone with a pay as you go sim. It’s retro, easy to use (alcohol + touchscreen = hours of fun), and if a freak meteor should ever break it they are literally worth a fraction of the price of a replacement smart phone. You can only put in contacts that you know you will need (so no one you might regret drunk dialing) and getting your brick phone stolen is far less traumatising than your new iPhone.

This may be going a little far though.

This may be going a little far though.

 

5. Pocket Change

It’s easy when you’re out and about to lose track of your expenditures, so much so that you may find yourself in a precarious situation where you realise don’t have enough money for a taxi (preferably before you get in said taxi) or perhaps you dropped your wallet/purse in the club. Either way you’re going to need to scrounge up some cash fast because let’s face it, we live in a sad world where smiles and laughter not considered a valid form of alternative payment.

But if we did, this kid would be rolling in it!

But if we did, this kid would be rolling in it!

Solution

Hide money on your person. You can get creative with this one: socks, bras, bags, lapel pocket, and even sewing them into the seam of your jacket. If you ever lose your wallet/purse you’ll always have this money to back you up. Also if someone were to take your money off of you, I sincerely doubt that they will then give you a strip search just to make sure that you’re now destitute. As long as you treat this as your emergency money and never as a reserve in case you want to buy another round, you should treat it as such when you’re drunk. You may even forget about it for a while when you don’t need it, then chance upon it when you’re rummaging through your things. Everyone loves finding money!

(This trick also works with condoms, with obvious hilarious consequences when you forget about them).

So there we have it. Let’s face it, you’re never going to completely eradicate the chance of having a night straight out of hell. Perhaps it’s the dangerous excitement that drives us to continuously do this over and over again. However, if you apply a few of these measures you’re sure to mediate your losses and save some money in the process. Above all though, just have fun!

About the Author

Ben Irving

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